Not being the perfect blogger right out of the gate is frustrating. I had visions of starting right in with a fresh new post every morning before six. I wanted my readers to know from the very beginning that they could count on me to be as regular as clockwork. It has been an entire week and not only have I never posted before six, I have only posted two entries. Now the voices start in: I could be doing better. I should be doing better. Maybe I should just quit if I can’t do better.
Facing our imperfection stings. We are all perfectionists at heart. In each of us, at least in certain areas of our lives, there exists that insidious voice that tells us we could be doing better. We want to be the perfect mother, the perfect chef, the perfect artist, the perfect blogger.
The drive to be better is not in itself a bad thing. Without it, there would be no invention of any kind. Humans would be just another animal, and one not very adept at survival. It is just when we start “should-ing” all over ourselves or telling ourselves to quit that the voice turns ugly. When imperfection is not tolerated, the quest for perfection comes to a grinding halt. How many times did Edison fail at creating the light bulb? I have heard it was upwards of 1000 times. If he did not have an extraordinary tolerance for failure we would all be sitting in the dark.
As the old adage goes, practice makes perfect. And when we practice, we are often just awful at it at first. So in order to become really good at something, we must first be willing to be really bad at it. The trouble is, we care so much and have such vivid imaginings of the “perfect” end result, that it is often physically painful for us to see our efforts fall short of that mark. This is due to attachment to the end result. In order to find joy in the path of self-discovery, we must let go of such attachments. The act of doing should be the focus. Slow down. Breathe. Find the joy.
But let us take a step back and examine this voice that doesn’t stand for flaws of any kind. Who is it trying to impress? Our spouse, our kids, our co-workers, other mothers, our parents (living or dead?) Who’s approval do we really need? In truth the only approval we really need is our own. But how do we get it when we are our own harshest critics? The only way is by expanding our capacity for compassion and turning that light upon ourselves. Ask yourself if it is true that you could be doing better. The answer is both yes and no. Yes, we always have the potential for improvement. But no, in this moment we are doing the best we can. How do I know you are doing your best? Because we all are. We are all doing the best we are capable of at any given moment. If you truly feel you are doing a half-assed job, then there is something holding you back from doing better. You are being held back by your emotional state, or your time management was such that you don’t have time to do a better job right now. Maybe there is some other obstacle in your way. In any case, you are still doing the best you can in the moment. Have compassion for the wonderful and flawed human you are who is doing the best they can.
I will let you in on a little secret I learned in Moo Gong Do. You are already perfect. Flawless. The absolute best model you that ever existed. And you are imperfect. Think of a brand new 2011 car rolling off the assembly line. It is perfect. Flawless. So why would anyone ever make a 2012 version? Because there is always the potential for improvement. This is all imperfection is: potential! As long as we exist on this earth plane, there will always have unlimited potential for improvement. Thank God for our imperfection!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Embracing Our Fears
Good morning to my three loyal followers! And greetings to all my new readers as well! A big "thank you" goes out to Tiffany for inspiring today's entry. The "gremlin of self-doubt" is a perfect little entity to discuss today, as I am intimately familiar with her.
How do you view your fears and self-doubts? Are they gremlins like Tiffany's? I have called them many things over the years, none of them flattering: "the Shadow Self;" "the Secret Saboteaur;" and even more meanacingly, just "the S.S." I gave my fear the voice of a tyrant. Made it huge and scary and intimidating. And I have reacted to this huge scary fear with as powerful a resistance as I could muster. I've done some crazy things to try to kill it on the advice of certain well meaning "self-help" books. Two of the worst were pushing an imaginary button on my forehead to "stop the tape," and snapping a rubber band on my wrist every time I had a self-defeating thought. In the first case I merely looked silly, and in the second I was actually making things far worse. Not only was I not stopping my fearful thoughts, but I was also training myself to fear having a fear for fear of punnishment! What a mess. By resisting fear with all my might I was wasting a phenomenal ammount of energy and creating a state of constant conflict in my life.
So how do we deal with fear if not to fight it? Just let it run rampant in our lives? No. Fear can have some very positive things to tell us. First of all, fear is like a flag that says "Alert! Potential for personal growth here!" If we face our fears and take action in spite of them, we break the chains that hold us back and we become far less vulnerable to that particular fear. But don't worry, another fear further down the path of self-actualization will find you and you will get the chance to grow again.
Another lesson fear teaches us is about faith. We think "Part of me believes the world is a benevolent place, but I wish I had more faith. My fear gets in the way." The truth here is that we already have all the faith we need because fear is faith. Fear is faith that the worst will happen. Why is that good news? Think of fear as a stream of water. In reality it is a stream of energy, but it behaves like water for this analogy. If we try to stop the flow of water entirely will we be successful? Not likely. Even a small stream cannot be halted entirely. A dam will only create a giant reservoir of fear that will eventually overflow if we don't let it out. However, a stream can be re-routed. That faith in the worst can be re-routed into faith in the best with a little self-reflection. We must work on noticing the voice of fear, which is often soft and insidious, and then ask it a few questions. (These questions are adapted from Byron Katie's book I Need Your Love - Is That True?) First ask of your fearful thought "is that true?" For example: "I cannot afford to take that class." Is that true? Have you explored all of your options thoroughly? Can you not get financial aid? Is there no payment plan? Can you not borrow money from the bank or a friend or family member? What about a credit card? Is there somewhere else you could take the class for less? Do you really not have the money it takes to enroll? Or are you simply afraid you will run out of money later if you invest in the class? Can you possibly know that for sure? Next ask yourself how you react when you think this fearful thought. How do you feel? How do you act around others? Does this thought bring you comfort and joy and a sense that you are travling on the path of authenticity? Or do you feel closed off from life? Now imagine how you would feel if you absolutely couldn't feel that fearful thought. Feels pretty good, huh? Finally, turn the thought around: I can't afford not to take this class. Is there any reason the turnaround thought is less believable than the fearful thought?
Fear is not a tyrant. Fear is the voice of your scared inner child. We must not be abusive parents, telling our fearful inner child to "shut up," We must not ignore it or lock it in a closet either. That child's voice is really just trying to protect you. Its methods are misguided, but its motives are pure. We must learn to hold that child with compassion.
How do you view your fears and self-doubts? Are they gremlins like Tiffany's? I have called them many things over the years, none of them flattering: "the Shadow Self;" "the Secret Saboteaur;" and even more meanacingly, just "the S.S." I gave my fear the voice of a tyrant. Made it huge and scary and intimidating. And I have reacted to this huge scary fear with as powerful a resistance as I could muster. I've done some crazy things to try to kill it on the advice of certain well meaning "self-help" books. Two of the worst were pushing an imaginary button on my forehead to "stop the tape," and snapping a rubber band on my wrist every time I had a self-defeating thought. In the first case I merely looked silly, and in the second I was actually making things far worse. Not only was I not stopping my fearful thoughts, but I was also training myself to fear having a fear for fear of punnishment! What a mess. By resisting fear with all my might I was wasting a phenomenal ammount of energy and creating a state of constant conflict in my life.
So how do we deal with fear if not to fight it? Just let it run rampant in our lives? No. Fear can have some very positive things to tell us. First of all, fear is like a flag that says "Alert! Potential for personal growth here!" If we face our fears and take action in spite of them, we break the chains that hold us back and we become far less vulnerable to that particular fear. But don't worry, another fear further down the path of self-actualization will find you and you will get the chance to grow again.
Another lesson fear teaches us is about faith. We think "Part of me believes the world is a benevolent place, but I wish I had more faith. My fear gets in the way." The truth here is that we already have all the faith we need because fear is faith. Fear is faith that the worst will happen. Why is that good news? Think of fear as a stream of water. In reality it is a stream of energy, but it behaves like water for this analogy. If we try to stop the flow of water entirely will we be successful? Not likely. Even a small stream cannot be halted entirely. A dam will only create a giant reservoir of fear that will eventually overflow if we don't let it out. However, a stream can be re-routed. That faith in the worst can be re-routed into faith in the best with a little self-reflection. We must work on noticing the voice of fear, which is often soft and insidious, and then ask it a few questions. (These questions are adapted from Byron Katie's book I Need Your Love - Is That True?) First ask of your fearful thought "is that true?" For example: "I cannot afford to take that class." Is that true? Have you explored all of your options thoroughly? Can you not get financial aid? Is there no payment plan? Can you not borrow money from the bank or a friend or family member? What about a credit card? Is there somewhere else you could take the class for less? Do you really not have the money it takes to enroll? Or are you simply afraid you will run out of money later if you invest in the class? Can you possibly know that for sure? Next ask yourself how you react when you think this fearful thought. How do you feel? How do you act around others? Does this thought bring you comfort and joy and a sense that you are travling on the path of authenticity? Or do you feel closed off from life? Now imagine how you would feel if you absolutely couldn't feel that fearful thought. Feels pretty good, huh? Finally, turn the thought around: I can't afford not to take this class. Is there any reason the turnaround thought is less believable than the fearful thought?
Fear is not a tyrant. Fear is the voice of your scared inner child. We must not be abusive parents, telling our fearful inner child to "shut up," We must not ignore it or lock it in a closet either. That child's voice is really just trying to protect you. Its methods are misguided, but its motives are pure. We must learn to hold that child with compassion.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Committing to Action
Welcome! Are you ready to embark on a magical journey? Are you ready t witness miracles unfolding in your favor every day? Are you ready to receive the green light on all the pet projects your authentic self keeps whispering about? (Learn to paint, take up yoga, travel to Europe.) Are you ready for more peace, more time, and all the money you need to achieve what Sarah Ban Breathnatch calls "financial serenity?" (That last one's a trick question. More on that later.) I know I'm ready. So why is there hesitancy?
This very first blog entry has me checking out facebook, deleting old text messages on my cell, checking my balance in my bank account and generally procrastinating, pen in hand. But why, when I'm so excited to write that I can barely work or sleep? Because I haven't truly committed yet. Sure, I feel committed. I envision the miraculous and magical ways our lives will change on this journey together. So what is the missing piece? It is what I am performing right now: an action.
We can feel committed all we want, but only action shows the universe we are ready for the next step. I have studied a martial art called Moo Gong Do for 7 years and the founder, a wonderful man named Dae Young Kim, is fond of saying "action cures." This is an incredibly useful and powerful mantra. The universe is benevolent and self-correcting. Even if we take the "wrong" action, the consequences are designed to steer us back on course. But we must first make a move. Inertia is the only evil. It sucks us into a vortex of "what ifs" and self doubt. So today take an action. Any action. Sign up for that class, clean out the junk drawer, give a hug instead of a handshake. It's only nerve-wracking until you do it.
This very first blog entry has me checking out facebook, deleting old text messages on my cell, checking my balance in my bank account and generally procrastinating, pen in hand. But why, when I'm so excited to write that I can barely work or sleep? Because I haven't truly committed yet. Sure, I feel committed. I envision the miraculous and magical ways our lives will change on this journey together. So what is the missing piece? It is what I am performing right now: an action.
We can feel committed all we want, but only action shows the universe we are ready for the next step. I have studied a martial art called Moo Gong Do for 7 years and the founder, a wonderful man named Dae Young Kim, is fond of saying "action cures." This is an incredibly useful and powerful mantra. The universe is benevolent and self-correcting. Even if we take the "wrong" action, the consequences are designed to steer us back on course. But we must first make a move. Inertia is the only evil. It sucks us into a vortex of "what ifs" and self doubt. So today take an action. Any action. Sign up for that class, clean out the junk drawer, give a hug instead of a handshake. It's only nerve-wracking until you do it.
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